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Le sigh.
The behavior gods giveth, and the behavior gods taketh away.
Julia, were yours better today? Because Bean hooked her new teachers up with a dose of turdliness and I got the somewhat judgy “you can’t negotiate with her, it has to be ‘what I say goes’” kind of lecture.
But seriously, how do you not cut this face some negotiating slack now and then?
It’s hard to see, but Bean’s hair is very pink. The director at the school (the one person really seems to get Bean) took her to the wonderful Miss Kate’s room so Bean could show off her hair 
I know she’s gotta be a pain in the rear to “teach”, but damn, Sam, what’s wrong with allowing her some negotiating room and some control? I’m not going to crack down and break her, if that’s what the new teacher is expecting. Bean is Pinkalicious, Funkadelic and fan-freakin’-tastic at her core – and sooner or later, she’ll mellow out a little.
Right? (You can lie to me if you need to.)
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Ack.
I am too. damn. busy these days … I’m just going to do a quick update and try to get back to the blog later.
Discussion at Bean’s school went well. Long story short, Bean’s back in the 3-3.5 classroom while the owners/director handle the situation as they see fit. We’ve been asked not to talk about Fight Club, so I’ll just let it go for now. When the situation changes. I’ll fill y’all in.
Bean is delighted with the demotion – she walks into that class and gets treated like a rock star by all the kids. When I picked her up Friday, the teacher gushed about how great Bean was all day – not sure if she’s going out of her way to be a cheerleader or not, but whatevah. If they treat Bean well, that’s all I care about.
More later, just didn’t want to go another day without at least a brief update. Thanks for all the support for Bean and I!
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Thanks for all the outrage on Bean’s behalf. I feel terrible dropping her off there, but Dave won’t be back until today, so I’ll meet him at the school in the morning. Hopefully the talk will go well and this will be Bean’s last week with the devil woman.
I got an incident report yesterday that she deliberately shut another girl’s arm in a door. And then I had to listen to Miss B start in on me about how Bean’s becoming more aggressive. Now Bean’s always been much more, ahhh, *tactile* than her friends. I think it’s part of her sensory-seeking tendencies – we’ve talked about this before, haven’t we? – and a friend pointed out recently that I really need to be more mindful of her sensory needs, as this shapes behavior.
So anyways, Miss B’s comment and subtle criticism made something gel in my brain that I’d been working on, distractedly, all day – I wanted to know what the effects of shaming were on behavior.
What I found was consensus that a percentage of shamed kids become more hostile, that they act out their hurts in an aggressive way, in large part because they’re being shamed about more appropriate ways of expressing their emotions. If Bean’s feeling shortchanged and can’t cry, that’s a lot of emotion and energy to hold in, so it comes out somewhere else. She’s definitely my daughter in that she really doesn’t hold things in, so if she’s getting beaten down for crying, that emotion is going to come out somewhere else.
I need to touch base with Dave again, as he has concerns that we don’t have a Plan B in place if we give an ultimatum, but we could figure something out. The bottom line is that I am unwilling to have Bean in that class beyond this week. They can move her back or forward, but she is not staying there.
I am also going to be very clear that this teacher has been in consistent violation of their “no shaming” policy for a minimum of 6 months, and that I believe she’s damaging to children and has no place in education. I’m loosely, loosely considering notes in the other two kids’ folders to make the parents aware of the treatment their kids are experiencing …
Yeah, it’s “only” three kids out of maybe 18-20 that are experiencing this treatment, but there are another 15-17 who are being taught that belittling and humiliating people is fine and dandy.
I sent a note to Dave saying that if he didn’t want to be involved in the “no Miss A” portion, I could tangent that to a separate discussion, one I’d do alone. I’m not sure if he feels as strongly about it as I do; frankly, I don’t really care. He’s on board for the Bean portion, and I appreciate that. But I feel like I really need to advocate for all the kids, and not just my own on this one.
I’ll close with something a bit more lighthearted – a Beanism in potty humor:
Mommy! Look! It’s a loooong poopie.
(One minute later)
Look! A whole family of poopie!!
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Sometimes I wonder if Bean is psychic.
Psychic. Not o.
While I am struggling with the whole ‘what do I do about preschool?’ dilemma, she solved a big chunk of it for me by relating this about her fabulous teacher. You know, the one who tells kids they are babies, who told Bean she was acting like a two-year-old when she cried …
Out of the blue this a.m., the following convo with Bean:
B: When I cry at school, or when Alex cries or when Tasha cries, all the kids look at me us.
M: Why do they look at you?
B: Because Miss A tells them to stop, be quiet and look at us.
M: Really. What does she say?
B: “Everyone listen to Bean(/Alex/Tasha)”
M: And what do the kids do?
B: They look at me and they smile.
I left it at that this a.m., because I just wasn’t sure what to do with it … but as they day progressed, my initial ‘let it go’ thought was replaced by a growing anger. As I drove to the school, I called my mom for her take, and she was pretty unhappy with the notion. She suggested I call Dave and let him know.
So instead of going in full-bore, I had to wait to talk to him. That’s probably better, because sometimes I shoot a little too quickly from the hip.
On the way home, I talked with Bean about it more and learned that the kids smile and laugh, they sing “Bean is a baby”, tho supposedly Miss A tells them not to. (A bit like closing the barn door after the cows have gone, if she’s setting Bean up for ridicule and shame in the damn first place.) I also learned that Miss A’s actual pronouncement is more like “STOP! Everyone look at Bean (Alex, Tasha) cry because they really like to scream and whine.” Nice. Real effing nice.
There are three kids who don’t mock Bean during all this (Julia, C is one of them. Ayssa and Mia are the other two), but the others do. The saddest part to me, almost sadder than what happens to my own kid, is that the Tasha that’s being exposed to this is new, and crying because she misses her parents, according to Bean. Seriously. Let’s definitely mock that … awesome teacher.
Okay … I talked to Dave and now I’m supposed to be mellowing on this so I can go in tomorrow and do the teaser “her dad and I are very concerned and want a meeting” thing with the school owners (I just can’t take the acting director seriously, for whatever reason … ), and not ratcheting myself up so I can go in roaring in full mama Bear mode …
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I love videos like this, because they make me feel better about how few “enrichment” activities I do with Bean. Everywhere we go, she learns stuff (“Mommy, would you like to tell me how they make airplanes?”), but I feel bad, sometimes, that she doesn’t have more ‘stuff’ to do. Ballet, soccer, that kind of stuff.
I’ve been thinking a bit about Bean’s preschool experience, trying to decide if she’d do better with “more” structure and learning (a la Montessori) or if a less structured, more play-based thing is better for her.
She’s kind of like a mustang, to use an analogy she’d really appreciate if she got it – she’s wild and unpredictable with moments of calm. And I’m torn between whispering and breaking. My general approach with her is whispering and earning her trust/respect, but when I’m frustrated with something she does (like not listening) I sometimes switch to ‘breaking’ mode.
Either way will yield a similar outward appearance: you can ride either horse. But one has been cowed into submission, the other, not so much.
Sigh. Parenting is just hard work sometimes …
More later; been working on this since yesterday and just want to post something so I can get ready for work. I’ll close with some Beanisms.
(Playing with her Ponies)
“Thank you for saving my life. That was pretty nice of you. I love you and I care about you.
“We better let our whole family come in. The whole group of horses.
“Only 8 seconds! 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1! Assignment complete – we’re all in the house!
(At lunch at Subway)
“Ow! I just bruised my spinal cord!
- And I just realized I threw away the napkin I jotted the rest of her lunchtime jems on. Crap. There were some good ones, too. –
(Doing clean-up)
“Mommy! I just licked a bug off your table!
(Seriously. And she was delighted in both the action and in the reporting of the action.)
(Watching Ni Hao, Kai-Lan, and hearing Kai-Lan’s Mandarin word for dig as ‘waaa’) “Waaa??!! What in the … ? That’s not a word!”
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Trying to decide how squeaky this wheel should be at Bean’s school ..
I’ve gotten more reports from Bean on some of her current teacher’s gems, like the subtly sexist “boys holler and girls scream” to the notion that “I act like a two-year-old when I scream, and whine and cry.”
I’m also getting pressure to embark on a subtly shaming anti-nose-picking campaign, and a direct report from Ana that she uses it. I get that Bean’s almost habitual insert finger, hunt, remove finger, suck routine isn’t the yummiest or most sanitary thing around, but for god’s sake, the kid is about to turn 4 – isn’t there some “ick” wiggle room?
Based on the grapevine, the next class up is more of the same, where the teacher focuses on the negative.
I’m also kind of fed up with disruptive boys. There are kids in her class that spit on her, kick her and jab her in the face with sticks – which seems slightly more problematic to me than nose-picking … and – coincidence or not? – all those offenders are boys and I’ve yet to hear Isabel report that Ana is as hard on them. To be fair, Bean’s scratching injuries have come from girls and boys, but really; does compulsive booger-eating really seem like the thing to focus on?
So I’m torn between the “this is just the way it is” kind of thinking and the “my kid might do better in a different environment” thinking. I bounced it all back to Dave, too, since he should have input and an opinion; so I’m in a holding pattern for now as I think on it and wait for his response.
I get that there will always be compromise, and I’m also not one to push my kids too hard … but if skipping a 6-month interval could put Bean with kids that are slightly more mature and would challenge her a bit more, I’m not sure whatthe harm would be …
I’ve got a few emails and ‘winks’ to respond to from match.com and chemistry.com … some have potential, a few, not so much. I’m just pretty well booked up over the next week or so, so I’ve not been chomping at the bit as much as I would be if I had this weekend off.
Okay, so who else needs a breakfast taco primer? Check this out, and be prepared to feel hungry … in fact, I might make time for a stop at Rudy’s this a.m. … I’m tellin’ ya, another few months and I’ll never be able to move from Austin. The music, the food, the climate, the outdoor spaces … this truly is a fab place to live. And eat, which everyone knows is my second favorite pasttime!
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So Bean started in Manta Ray on Wednesday.
She’s doing okay, but I am still so far from impressed with the teacher. I, personally, think she’s awful. She gave me tons of ‘tude for Bean being in her class already (“She was supposed to start Monday”), after I spoke with the director about when we were starting Bean in there and was told, essentially, ‘Monday, but if she’s ready now, no problem’. And told by the teacher many times ‘I already have a cubby for her’.
Then I got ‘tude for not having Bean’s stuffed pig labeled with her name. But when I went to her old class to retrieve the pig that Bean left Wednesday, they knew exactly whose it was, no label-reprimanding required.
But what really irks me is what I witnessed when I picked Bean up Friday.
One of the kids that had just transitioned over with Bean, a boy named A, was definitely being a screamy turd. I get that that kind of behavior sucks hairy ones. It’s one of the things that has me contemplating Swirly Enlightenment on a daily basis. (Hourly basis some days.) But I watched the teacher speak to him in such a shaming way … she told him that he needed to use his words, to be a big boy, to stop acting like a baby and if he kept acting like a baby, he needed to go back to Clownfish (he and Bean’s last class room). *Then* she picked up Miss O and asked him if he wanted to be a baby like her or a big boy, and kept telling him he was a baby.
I know some of y’all won’t see any harm in that, and that’s cool. I do, tho. Probably because I’m all wooly-headed in theory, just not super good at the actual follow-through. But Bean’s spent a year plus at that school, and expressed a wide range of turdly behavior, and none of the other teachers have felt a need to shame her. Nor have I ever seen them shaming the other kids for excessive turdliness.
Am I overreacting? Would you say something to the director or owners? I asked Bean today if she liked the teacher, and she said yes, but I know she’s pulled the same “if you act like a baby you have to go back to the other class” crap with Bean on at least one occasion. And when I asked Bean if the teacher told her she was a baby, she said she did when she cried. I’m just not cool with that. To me there’s a huge difference between “you’re a big girl, use your words” and “only babies cry, big girls use their words, and if you don’t use your words you’re a baby and you need to be demoted” (paraphrased and editorialized, I know, but that’s the gist).
Opinions?
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